Right now

 i'm ready to move on.

I just want to remember feeling like i'm running out of time

so that one day it won't feel like running anymore

and maybe it's because its a Friday and my birthday is on Sunday

and i'm running out of days of being 17.

It's a Friday night 

well technically its Saturday morning 

and I have a list of questions I want to ask people

but i'm too scared to hear the answer.

Right now I won't let myself say I love you to a boy

so I say nothing instead cause it's better to hear silence than goodbye.

I'm stuck in my own head with words that don't ever go to sleep

and problems that never seem to wake up.

I'm 17 and i'm scare to turn 18

cause Saturday mornings always slip away from us

and i'm tired of running, so I think i'm going to start walking again. 

Edge of seventeen - Stevie Nicks 

and I was never the same

I grew up in southern California, right next to the beach. My dad built houses and I always use to think "I could never live in a place where the air doesn't smell like the ocean."

 I am six years old, and I am down the street at the neighbors house. I thought it was weird because my friend Avery called the guy married to her mom, "Bobby." I thought it was weird because any man I knew married to any mom was named dad. Bobby and Avery's mom looked different than any parents I knew, they laughed and interlocked their fingers the same way people in movies did.

I am thirteen years old, and my mom is single, and so am I. I trained my brain to think that love was nothing but ordinary. That interlocking fingers was just something boys and girls did to pass some time during movies. Sweaty palms underneath pillows and blankets so parents don't come downstairs and catch us.

I am fifteen years old, my mom is dating, and so am I. She always use to apologize for putting me through a divorce. I tell her mom, I remember when I was about six years old, and I was over at my friends house thinking it was weird that her parents kissed and held hands. You don't have to apologize for putting me through a divorce, you need to apologize for not teaching me how to love.

I am seventeen years old, my mom is married, I am not. My dad builds houses, and I live 697 miles away from the ocean. I hold hands with a boy, and sometimes I have to remind myself love is the farthest thing from ordinary. I live in Utah and I could never imagine not being surrounded by the mountains.

live

trees and forests and home

Human beings need a place to call home

a place where roots grow deeper than family tress 

and there are tiny handprints in the driveway.

they resemble the curve of your ring finger

and you remember the time your brothers tickled you so much you almost peed your pants but you started crying instead. 

it’s where your thoughts go when they have no other place to rest and your soul does too 

and you were taught to forgive without being apologized to

a place of refuge of relief or so it should be

but your too often reminded of words that cut into you, deep to the core, 

and they don’t make band-aids big enough for tree branches. 

Home

its over protective brothers and almost I love you’s 

suddenly your 17 and you swear you were just 15 

and you wonder how trees survive through all the different seasons, through sickness, and initials carved into their skin surrounded by hearts.

and you are reminded of a forest, of feeling so small surrounded by trees who have been around for hundreds of years. 

you're 17 and your almost 18 

so you keep reminding yourself boys in navy blue suits aren’t home. 

and to not be surprised if one day he puts up a for sale sign right across his heart

home hasn’t been home for quite some time now and you think your soul is starting to notice.

and you're afraid to tell them where you got your scars  

so you just tell them 

you should see my family tree 

there are x’s and o’s but not in the traditional way 

you ask yourself what keeps you grounded, rooted to this place 

to life

and you tell them you were built with a cage in your chest that protects who you are

and your surrounded by a forest 

and no matter how many scars your family tree has, you will always keep growing 

stretching up towards the sun and every spring you will turn over a new leaf and 

you will grow. 

Different kind of heartbreak

Graduation is in about 70 days.
and as i've been looking back on the last three years,
i've decided that if high school has taught me anything it's that heartbreak doesn't always come in the form of a cute boy with a sly smile.
and that sometimes you lay awake until 3am thinking about that time sophomore year when your best friend told you she doesn't really care about any of your problems.
I think if high school has taught me anything its that friends can break your heart too.
I've been on the receiving end of too many broken hearts, i've been a member of the lonely hearts club for too many sleepless nights
and I know i've probably broken my friends hearts too.
 but I want them to understand
I think their too big for high school.
and that all those times I've told them I didn't like the boy they were dating I was really just saying
"no one is good enough to deserve you."'
we've all seen things that we weren't ready for, had to deal with things we were too young for but I want my friends to know they are amazing.
graduation is in about 70 days and I never want to stop talking to my friends.
So this is for gee bee, and becky, and stac,
I'm truly sorry if i've every broken your heart.
I promise to be there for you when the boy with a sly smile leaves, and for when he comes back.
You will all change the world someday, I know because you changed mine.
So this is for all the road trips, snapchats, texts, phone calls, facetimes, breakups, makeups, school dances, inside jokes, this is for you, and me.
This is for no more heart ache.
This is for the 6 years of friendship and for the 6 more.

Thanks Nelson

Another poem with Lauren Wright, a tribute to Nelson, slam team and all things poetry.


L+M I heard my first poem sitting in the back of the classroom, head down, eyes shut, mind on something else.

L This is about passion
M this is about writing about a boy 17 times
L+Mand the stars well, we'er still writing about those.

L+MI've memorized my favorite poem line by line, hoping that one day I will be able to write something just as beautiful.

L since I was four years old i wrote everything I could down, how I felt, how much my brother bothered me, how I loved the ocean.

M i have a dozen journals half full of untold stories only my heart knows how to read.

L There are poems that live in the corners of my mind fighting their way onto paper
L+M but no one that will listen.
L but he was there
M and so were we

L every Tuesday we wore our hearts on our sleeve
M the other day someone asked me what that stain was
L+M we told him Tuesdays were cancelled.


M and we never got out t-shirts

L+M Tuesdays were our
therapy sessions
life lessons
late night confessions

L and my mom can't get that stain out
M and she doesn't understand why we care so much

L+M I wrote poetry on my heart on my heart in permanent marker and it only took 4 days for the dry cleaners to get it out

M we learned to embrace messy handwriting an chaotic thoughts because it meant we had something to say.

L+M my math teacher taught me y=mx=b but words seem to be the only equation that solved nothing but emotions

M thank you to the boy i wrote about 17 times, you gave me a reason to write

L thank you to the boy who told me didn't love me, i figured out i loved writing more than I loved you

M Paris was more than just a metaphor
L more than just a place to go on Tuesdays during lunch
M and more than just blog posts on Sunday nights

L+M we never wrote to get into the top 5

L writing got me through the break up
M writing got me through the divorce
L+M writing got me through high school and we couldn't have done it without you

thanks nelson

It's been a while

For years I picked up my mothers heart off the bathroom floor, promising myself I would never give away mine so easily.
I've convinced myself out of love one too many times.
I told myself lets forget about the stars and the moon and the way he made you feel.
 but one time in the eighth grade I kissed a boy on a bridge, and my friends told me "now that is love."
I've always been the type that sticks around too long and feels uncomfortable when its time to say goodbye.
I don't give away I love you as easily as I say hello, but I told this boy I wanted to love him.
I told this boy I wanted to love him, but he had already met love before.
 He shook her hand and told her
"It's nice to finally meet you, i've heard a lot about you."
I was afraid i'd hid behind metaphors and words for far too long "I love you" sounded a little bit like
" Drive safely"
I promised myself I wouldn't write about love anymore.
but I was born on a waxing crescent moon with 32% visibility and I think that says a lot about who I am today.
I've never been the type to stick around long enough to say " I love you."
68% of my soul was always in hiding
so I think he would be understanding if he knew I paid the moon to hide the night we spent under the stars.
I promised myself I wouldn't write about love anymore but I want to remember this.

I want to remember swallowing I love you and reminding you to drive safely.