High school fears

 NO CREDIT is our biggest nightmare when the end of term roles around, because we miss way too much class.  Afraid of 50% on a test that means nothing but everything, cause for some reason a letter grade tells you more about someone than they can. 

A conversation with a boy who makes your palms sweat over the weather. 

Don't even get me started on someone catching you without that smile on your face. 

Irrational fears that won't matter at the end of the year, but hey it was all just high school. 

But for some high school was their whole life, and I think that's my biggest fear. 

Not hearing from your friend for a while and finding out through social media it's going to be a little longer until we see them again. 

I fear of a another grim day of walking down these hallways plastered with a reminder of how people feel about you. 

I don't fear death, I fear death that comes a little too soon. 

ps. I personally think we aren't ready to fear these things. 

Let us live

I have a headache & thats how I know I am alive. 

It didn't come from lack of caffeine or food, or even  lack of sleep. 

The headache came from heartache to loud for words. 

I know i'm alive because I yearn for a place to call home.

Because "home" has a different definition now that i am older & I am alive. 

Sometimes I am afraid home just isn't for me. 

I am alive & I have the heartbeat to prove it. 

I have the stories & the battle scars, I wish would go away.

I am alive, we are alive, so please

let us live.  

To the bricks in my backpack

I'm not sure when you got here, but I remember the day I realized it wasn't just textbooks & notebooks in there. 

It was the day he wanted to die, and none of us would let him. 

Everyday I bear your burden, and I don't mind, but please leave.

That day my best friend left & never came back quite the same, you got heavier. 

The textbooks & notebooks are mad at you because I haven't talked about them the same since you came around. 

To the one who makes my shoulders sore, I know exactly where you came from. I still can't seem to say it out loud. 

I know this has been your home for a while, but people are starting to notice, I think it's time you go. 

To the bricks in my backpack, goodbye. 

It's not worth it

It's not worth it to change because someone said you should.

       Who you are is so important, and someone who tells you other wise, isn't.

It's not worth it to cry over a boy you "could have loved."

       The boy you will love, will make you feel silly about being sad of a "could have"

It's not worth it to be sad over someone who walks out of your life.

       If they leave, chances are they come back. If they don't, you didn't want them there anyway. Anyone who is willing to walk out on you is not someone who deserves your sadness or regret.

It's not worth it to be mean to someone who was mean to you.

      Getting even doesn't make you feel any better, only worse. You can't control peoples actions, but you can always control yours. 

It's not worth it to keep your feelings inside, because it might ruin a friendship.

      Take it from someone who told their best friend she loved him.

It's not worth it to give up.

You have survived this long, high school will not end you. 

Love

One day Sophomore year my best friend told me that her heart was broken. I didn't really know what that meant because every "I love you" I've ever said was never to a boy I was in love with. & our other best friend told me it wasn't real, that heart break was nothing we could feel. Maybe that was because her father broke her mother & she didn't know what "love" meant. I think we both knew that she gave away "I love you" too easily, but never to the right people.

One day Junior year I met a boy. He was different and he told me that he loved me. I think I loved him, but I was his first girlfriend & his favorite thing to do was run.  Bitch was the 5 letter word that he used to describe me, because I broke his heart. But he broke mine too & we talked it out & now were cool. 

I learned from him that my best friend was not a liar & that my other friend really didn't know anything about love. If she did, she would know that heartbreak isn't literal. It is some sort of realization that you may never feel the way that they made you feel, ever again. It's knowingly putting yourself into the palm of another human, and letting them crush you. I think the worst part is even though they squeezed the love out of you, your heart still finds a way to wonder "what if."