this is a poem Lauren Wright (Mabel Q) and I wrote together, the bold is what we say together. If you have any feedback, ideas for a title or really anything that would add to this poem, please feel free to comment.
(M)I had to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from smiling, because I didn’t want you to ask why. you see, it was you and the car and the music and the way it felt like nothing ever changed.
It scared me
(L) Things changed when the weather did. You and the sky seemed to have too much in common, and i was the sun 92 million miles away.
(M) we sat in your car and looked through your sunroof and you said you felt like home looking at the sky because it reminded you of my eyes
I respected you
(L) when you told me it just wasnt the right time and you were sorry and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying.
My cheeks are bleeding
(M) We layed in the back seat of your car and that was the first time i made it to the back seat without giving away my breathe to someone else.
(L) you left and you took my breath with you and I can't breathe
because I couldn't seem to catch myself before I fell
(M) but you caught me when i stumbled over the way you said
"I love you"
(L) burned in the back of my throat because it left the same day you did
(M) but the clouds started to cover the stars and you
didn't look at me the way you used too
(L) when the weather got colder you came back for warmth because you saw your breath and you remember the time you took mine away
it's getting colder
(M) The days are getting shorter and the clouds seem to stick around long enough for you to forget where home is
(L) you used to give me your hands to hold but they were too cold and I couldn't hold on so this time you gave me your heart
(M) I fell every time you told me you loved me but the last time
It was different
(L) in the way you said "I love you" I couldn't hear the regret rolling off your tongue
(M)I see the way you look at her and I heard you say that you saw galaxies in her eyes
you looked at me
(L) and you told me I reminded you of the sun because I never left
you looked at me
(M) and I couldn't look you in the eyes so I knew
this time it was different
(L) it was real
(M) it was over
I love you
This is sick. I really want to see this in person for the full effect, I feel like it's meant to be performed slam style.
ReplyDeletethis is beautiful. the metaphors and the parts about the sky, its all beautiful
ReplyDeleteokay I'm in awe. you don't need any advice.
ReplyDeletei need advice from you, if anything.
you two are gods.
I think you need a new opening line. Like a line that sets up the biting the cheek line.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot more suggestions.
This is freaking awesome, btw.
Talent show, in class slam, Copper Hills slam. You'll be sick of this by Christmas.
i still love this wow
ReplyDelete"Things changed when the weather did. You and the sky seemed to have too much in common"
ReplyDeleteReally love that part
Title ideas//
-Cables and Constellations
-Carseats and Constellations
-Carcass constellations
-Captured constellations
yeah so i don't know if you'll like those titles but just some ideas i got. I really like the constellation part if you can't tell
Wow this is unreal.
ReplyDeleteAnd I need to see you two perform this.
Please.
And this is so real and I love how you gelled your stories and the way it flows it's basically perfect.
And it's gonna be so good.
Perform this at slam club Tommaorw please??
ReplyDeleteFeedback from Monday after school:
ReplyDeleteCarter in the middle. Lauren and Malia on the side.
"It all seemed too familiar." Great opening line.
There was this girl, there was this boy,
Maybe Malia could be turned around at first. And she doesn't turn around until she enters the story.
Use your physical location, bodies, etc. to help the audience understand what's going on.
Slam poetry is half poetry and half theater. FIND THE THEATER. The performance.
I like the I LOVE YOU line. Maybe you could address how this is just a high school love. I don't know. Acknowledge the teenager-ness.
I'd like to see (IN PLAIN ENGLISH) what's going on in this relationship.
I freaking still love the poem though.