Right now

 i'm ready to move on.

I just want to remember feeling like i'm running out of time

so that one day it won't feel like running anymore

and maybe it's because its a Friday and my birthday is on Sunday

and i'm running out of days of being 17.

It's a Friday night 

well technically its Saturday morning 

and I have a list of questions I want to ask people

but i'm too scared to hear the answer.

Right now I won't let myself say I love you to a boy

so I say nothing instead cause it's better to hear silence than goodbye.

I'm stuck in my own head with words that don't ever go to sleep

and problems that never seem to wake up.

I'm 17 and i'm scare to turn 18

cause Saturday mornings always slip away from us

and i'm tired of running, so I think i'm going to start walking again. 

Edge of seventeen - Stevie Nicks 

and I was never the same

I grew up in southern California, right next to the beach. My dad built houses and I always use to think "I could never live in a place where the air doesn't smell like the ocean."

 I am six years old, and I am down the street at the neighbors house. I thought it was weird because my friend Avery called the guy married to her mom, "Bobby." I thought it was weird because any man I knew married to any mom was named dad. Bobby and Avery's mom looked different than any parents I knew, they laughed and interlocked their fingers the same way people in movies did.

I am thirteen years old, and my mom is single, and so am I. I trained my brain to think that love was nothing but ordinary. That interlocking fingers was just something boys and girls did to pass some time during movies. Sweaty palms underneath pillows and blankets so parents don't come downstairs and catch us.

I am fifteen years old, my mom is dating, and so am I. She always use to apologize for putting me through a divorce. I tell her mom, I remember when I was about six years old, and I was over at my friends house thinking it was weird that her parents kissed and held hands. You don't have to apologize for putting me through a divorce, you need to apologize for not teaching me how to love.

I am seventeen years old, my mom is married, I am not. My dad builds houses, and I live 697 miles away from the ocean. I hold hands with a boy, and sometimes I have to remind myself love is the farthest thing from ordinary. I live in Utah and I could never imagine not being surrounded by the mountains.

live

trees and forests and home

Human beings need a place to call home

a place where roots grow deeper than family tress 

and there are tiny handprints in the driveway.

they resemble the curve of your ring finger

and you remember the time your brothers tickled you so much you almost peed your pants but you started crying instead. 

it’s where your thoughts go when they have no other place to rest and your soul does too 

and you were taught to forgive without being apologized to

a place of refuge of relief or so it should be

but your too often reminded of words that cut into you, deep to the core, 

and they don’t make band-aids big enough for tree branches. 

Home

its over protective brothers and almost I love you’s 

suddenly your 17 and you swear you were just 15 

and you wonder how trees survive through all the different seasons, through sickness, and initials carved into their skin surrounded by hearts.

and you are reminded of a forest, of feeling so small surrounded by trees who have been around for hundreds of years. 

you're 17 and your almost 18 

so you keep reminding yourself boys in navy blue suits aren’t home. 

and to not be surprised if one day he puts up a for sale sign right across his heart

home hasn’t been home for quite some time now and you think your soul is starting to notice.

and you're afraid to tell them where you got your scars  

so you just tell them 

you should see my family tree 

there are x’s and o’s but not in the traditional way 

you ask yourself what keeps you grounded, rooted to this place 

to life

and you tell them you were built with a cage in your chest that protects who you are

and your surrounded by a forest 

and no matter how many scars your family tree has, you will always keep growing 

stretching up towards the sun and every spring you will turn over a new leaf and 

you will grow.