Dearest sol,

Not a blackout

this is a poem Lauren Wright (Mabel Q)  and I wrote together, the bold is what we say together. If you have any feedback, ideas for a title or really anything that would add to this poem, please feel free to comment. 

(M)I had to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from smiling, because I didn’t want you to ask why. you see, it was you and the car and the music and the way it felt like nothing ever changed. 

It scared me 

(L) Things changed when the weather did. You and the sky seemed to have too much in common, and i was the sun 92 million miles away. 

(M) we sat in your car and looked through your sunroof and you said you felt like home looking at the sky because it reminded you of my eyes 

I respected you

(L) when you told me it just wasnt the right time and you were sorry and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. 

My cheeks are bleeding 

(M) We layed in the back seat of your car and that was the first time i made it to the back seat without giving away my breathe to someone else. 

(L) you left and you took my breath with you and I can't breathe 

because I couldn't seem to catch myself before I fell 

(M) but you caught me when i stumbled over the way you said 

"I love you"

(L) burned in the back of my throat because it left the same day you did 

(M) but the clouds started to cover the stars and you 

didn't look at me the way you used too 

(L) when the weather got colder you came back for warmth because you saw your breath and you remember the time you took mine away 

it's getting colder 

(M) The days are getting shorter and the clouds seem to stick around long enough for you to forget where home is 

(L) you used to give me your hands to hold but they were too cold and I couldn't hold on so this time you gave me your heart 

(M) I fell every time you told me you loved me but the last time

It was different 

(L) in the way you said "I love you" I couldn't hear the regret rolling off your tongue 

(M)I see the way you look at her and I heard you say that you saw galaxies in her eyes 

you looked at me 

(L) and you told me I reminded you of the sun because I never left 

you looked at me 

(M) and I couldn't look you in the eyes so I knew 

this time it was different 

(L) it was real

(M) it was over 

I love you

Thank you

I get nervous to introduce myself to people. 

Not because I'm scared of them, but because most people don't understand what I'm saying. 

To those who know me, thank you.

Ive never been good at pronouncing my name, but I never hesitate to say it.  

To those who know my name, thank you. 

Ive never been creative but I've always had a lot to say.

  To those who listened, thank you. 

I get scared to share my poems in front of the class, but sometimes I do it anyways.

To those who enjoyed my poems, thank you.

I'm always late to class, there is just something about crowded hallways that makes me uneasy. 

To Nelson, thanks for never marking me absent.

Ive never been to paris, but Ive seen bravery in its citizens.

To those who wrote from their heart, thank you. 

I always get more confidence on my writing when someone comments.

To those who commented, thank you.

To those who even glanced at my blog, thank you.

I hope you will return. 

xoxo, 

Malia Helbling

It tore us apart

Music brought us together.
"Look at this new song I found," became this the way I feel about you.
Ever day I searched for a song that strung together my feelings for you, but nothing ever seemed to have the right idea.
 It was either too fast or too slow, or didn't have enough feeling.
You know when you listen to a song and you get that feeling in your fingertips, that is what you did to me, that is what you do to me.
Im confused because you haven't shown me any new songs recently, and you seem to avoid the ones about love.
I get it though you always told me that love songs made your fingertips go numb.
I went to a concert and all I could think about was what you would think of these songs.
You stopped listening to the songs I told you I liked.
Music brought us together, and it is what tore us apart.

My heart beats for us

The human heart pumps blood 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
It pumps to every finger, every toe,  & even to my nose, but when I met you it stopped.
It stopped beating for me.
2,000 gallons of blood dumped onto your front door that day, and I'm sorry I just couldn't keep it in any longer.
my heart beats for us
42 million times my heart  beat for us that year.
Im pretty sure that number isn't accurate because every time your gaze met mine, my heart stopped.
my heart beats for us
I would gladly walk 60,000 miles of your blood stained veins if it meant it would bring me to your heart.
I know what my heart feels like, I know how you make my heart feel.
But your heart and my heart are seperated by rib cages so hardened and closed off by other peoples decisions.
my heart beats for us.
& it will continue to beat for you & for me.

surprise

He told me he missed me & I was surprised.
Every I can't, I'm busy,  plastered the walls of my mind with the picture of her in the back round.
You told me you missed me & with everything I could muster I said, " You're just too late."
But every first touch, first kiss, first I'm sorry clogged my brain, and by my surprise my  lips muttered, "I miss you too."
It wasn't I miss you, I love you, come back.
It was I miss you, I love you, maybe another lifetime.
I thought of every what if possibility, but no amount of thinking could sort out our heartstrings tethered & knotted together by so many different tragedies it makes my head spin.
You still look at me & the knots gets tighter, cause I'm lost in our lifetime.

How to be human

• Mess up. 

• Change your mind, just to change is back. 

• Miss the boy you shouldn't. 

• Fall in love. 

• Get mad at the people you love. 

• Apologize. always. 

• Be pissed at the world for at least a day, for no particular reason. 

• Hate your parents, or one of them. 

• Feel useless. 

• Feel alive. 

• Make friends. 

• Let go of some people in your life. 

• Learn to stand up for yourself. 

• Learn to pay taxes. 

• Get married. 

• Get into an argument with your friends about "politics."

• Don't dress up for Halloween. 

• Be insecure.

• Be confident. 

• Have a fascination with the sky. 

• Don't let people label you. 

• Don't label people. 

• Know when to leave. 

• Admit to being human. 

• Be heartbroken. 

• Fall in love again. 

• Still miss him.