Right now

 i'm ready to move on.

I just want to remember feeling like i'm running out of time

so that one day it won't feel like running anymore

and maybe it's because its a Friday and my birthday is on Sunday

and i'm running out of days of being 17.

It's a Friday night 

well technically its Saturday morning 

and I have a list of questions I want to ask people

but i'm too scared to hear the answer.

Right now I won't let myself say I love you to a boy

so I say nothing instead cause it's better to hear silence than goodbye.

I'm stuck in my own head with words that don't ever go to sleep

and problems that never seem to wake up.

I'm 17 and i'm scare to turn 18

cause Saturday mornings always slip away from us

and i'm tired of running, so I think i'm going to start walking again. 

Edge of seventeen - Stevie Nicks 

and I was never the same

I grew up in southern California, right next to the beach. My dad built houses and I always use to think "I could never live in a place where the air doesn't smell like the ocean."

 I am six years old, and I am down the street at the neighbors house. I thought it was weird because my friend Avery called the guy married to her mom, "Bobby." I thought it was weird because any man I knew married to any mom was named dad. Bobby and Avery's mom looked different than any parents I knew, they laughed and interlocked their fingers the same way people in movies did.

I am thirteen years old, and my mom is single, and so am I. I trained my brain to think that love was nothing but ordinary. That interlocking fingers was just something boys and girls did to pass some time during movies. Sweaty palms underneath pillows and blankets so parents don't come downstairs and catch us.

I am fifteen years old, my mom is dating, and so am I. She always use to apologize for putting me through a divorce. I tell her mom, I remember when I was about six years old, and I was over at my friends house thinking it was weird that her parents kissed and held hands. You don't have to apologize for putting me through a divorce, you need to apologize for not teaching me how to love.

I am seventeen years old, my mom is married, I am not. My dad builds houses, and I live 697 miles away from the ocean. I hold hands with a boy, and sometimes I have to remind myself love is the farthest thing from ordinary. I live in Utah and I could never imagine not being surrounded by the mountains.

live

trees and forests and home

Human beings need a place to call home

a place where roots grow deeper than family tress 

and there are tiny handprints in the driveway.

they resemble the curve of your ring finger

and you remember the time your brothers tickled you so much you almost peed your pants but you started crying instead. 

it’s where your thoughts go when they have no other place to rest and your soul does too 

and you were taught to forgive without being apologized to

a place of refuge of relief or so it should be

but your too often reminded of words that cut into you, deep to the core, 

and they don’t make band-aids big enough for tree branches. 

Home

its over protective brothers and almost I love you’s 

suddenly your 17 and you swear you were just 15 

and you wonder how trees survive through all the different seasons, through sickness, and initials carved into their skin surrounded by hearts.

and you are reminded of a forest, of feeling so small surrounded by trees who have been around for hundreds of years. 

you're 17 and your almost 18 

so you keep reminding yourself boys in navy blue suits aren’t home. 

and to not be surprised if one day he puts up a for sale sign right across his heart

home hasn’t been home for quite some time now and you think your soul is starting to notice.

and you're afraid to tell them where you got your scars  

so you just tell them 

you should see my family tree 

there are x’s and o’s but not in the traditional way 

you ask yourself what keeps you grounded, rooted to this place 

to life

and you tell them you were built with a cage in your chest that protects who you are

and your surrounded by a forest 

and no matter how many scars your family tree has, you will always keep growing 

stretching up towards the sun and every spring you will turn over a new leaf and 

you will grow. 

Different kind of heartbreak

Graduation is in about 70 days.
and as i've been looking back on the last three years,
i've decided that if high school has taught me anything it's that heartbreak doesn't always come in the form of a cute boy with a sly smile.
and that sometimes you lay awake until 3am thinking about that time sophomore year when your best friend told you she doesn't really care about any of your problems.
I think if high school has taught me anything its that friends can break your heart too.
I've been on the receiving end of too many broken hearts, i've been a member of the lonely hearts club for too many sleepless nights
and I know i've probably broken my friends hearts too.
 but I want them to understand
I think their too big for high school.
and that all those times I've told them I didn't like the boy they were dating I was really just saying
"no one is good enough to deserve you."'
we've all seen things that we weren't ready for, had to deal with things we were too young for but I want my friends to know they are amazing.
graduation is in about 70 days and I never want to stop talking to my friends.
So this is for gee bee, and becky, and stac,
I'm truly sorry if i've every broken your heart.
I promise to be there for you when the boy with a sly smile leaves, and for when he comes back.
You will all change the world someday, I know because you changed mine.
So this is for all the road trips, snapchats, texts, phone calls, facetimes, breakups, makeups, school dances, inside jokes, this is for you, and me.
This is for no more heart ache.
This is for the 6 years of friendship and for the 6 more.

Thanks Nelson

Another poem with Lauren Wright, a tribute to Nelson, slam team and all things poetry.


L+M I heard my first poem sitting in the back of the classroom, head down, eyes shut, mind on something else.

L This is about passion
M this is about writing about a boy 17 times
L+Mand the stars well, we'er still writing about those.

L+MI've memorized my favorite poem line by line, hoping that one day I will be able to write something just as beautiful.

L since I was four years old i wrote everything I could down, how I felt, how much my brother bothered me, how I loved the ocean.

M i have a dozen journals half full of untold stories only my heart knows how to read.

L There are poems that live in the corners of my mind fighting their way onto paper
L+M but no one that will listen.
L but he was there
M and so were we

L every Tuesday we wore our hearts on our sleeve
M the other day someone asked me what that stain was
L+M we told him Tuesdays were cancelled.


M and we never got out t-shirts

L+M Tuesdays were our
therapy sessions
life lessons
late night confessions

L and my mom can't get that stain out
M and she doesn't understand why we care so much

L+M I wrote poetry on my heart on my heart in permanent marker and it only took 4 days for the dry cleaners to get it out

M we learned to embrace messy handwriting an chaotic thoughts because it meant we had something to say.

L+M my math teacher taught me y=mx=b but words seem to be the only equation that solved nothing but emotions

M thank you to the boy i wrote about 17 times, you gave me a reason to write

L thank you to the boy who told me didn't love me, i figured out i loved writing more than I loved you

M Paris was more than just a metaphor
L more than just a place to go on Tuesdays during lunch
M and more than just blog posts on Sunday nights

L+M we never wrote to get into the top 5

L writing got me through the break up
M writing got me through the divorce
L+M writing got me through high school and we couldn't have done it without you

thanks nelson

It's been a while

For years I picked up my mothers heart off the bathroom floor, promising myself I would never give away mine so easily.
I've convinced myself out of love one too many times.
I told myself lets forget about the stars and the moon and the way he made you feel.
 but one time in the eighth grade I kissed a boy on a bridge, and my friends told me "now that is love."
I've always been the type that sticks around too long and feels uncomfortable when its time to say goodbye.
I don't give away I love you as easily as I say hello, but I told this boy I wanted to love him.
I told this boy I wanted to love him, but he had already met love before.
 He shook her hand and told her
"It's nice to finally meet you, i've heard a lot about you."
I was afraid i'd hid behind metaphors and words for far too long "I love you" sounded a little bit like
" Drive safely"
I promised myself I wouldn't write about love anymore.
but I was born on a waxing crescent moon with 32% visibility and I think that says a lot about who I am today.
I've never been the type to stick around long enough to say " I love you."
68% of my soul was always in hiding
so I think he would be understanding if he knew I paid the moon to hide the night we spent under the stars.
I promised myself I wouldn't write about love anymore but I want to remember this.

I want to remember swallowing I love you and reminding you to drive safely.

Grace Sarah - Underwater | Sofar London

It's nice to meet you

Creative writing 2, I have been waiting for you.
I say this to you with my deepest regrets but i'm just not ready for you.
I think thats because I haven't written anything i've been proud of in a really long time.

but here is to introductions and second chances

My name is Malia and I hate telling people that, no one really understands what I am saying. You would think after 17 years I would have learned how to pronounce my name in a way people could understand.
I like to laugh and smile, and make people laugh and smile.
I like rock climbing and hope to be able to travel all over the world doing it.
I am impressed really easily and say almost everything is my favorite thing.
I feel like I cant write anymore and I have no idea why.
Sorry to disappoint you but I don't really have much to say.

paris syndrome

I think Paris has finally gotten to me. I can't seem to think of what to say anymore. I hope I find you soon Paris.

xoxo Malia

See you soon, Paris

Right now it would take me around 13 hours to fly to paris and $1,228. I'm 5,063 miles away from a place that i've never been too.

 I have to say goodbye to a place I call home, that we call home. I think it is only fair we share some "real talk" before we leave.

Nelson, thank you for not teaching us how to write short stories or whatever. I've learned more in one semester of creative writing, than I did in any math class. Thanks Nelson.

Ive written about the same boy in 7 different poems, he said goodbye long before I did. I can't decide if that is therapeutic or pathetic.

I am really bad at goodbyes, so i'm sorry if I don't know what to say.

Humans are important and what they have to say is important too. I don't always appreciate people and their words,  but I think everyone is good at writing in their own way.

I think everyone deserves an award for surviving high school.

Im tired of love poems, but that is the only thing I can write about.

Sometimes I thought paris was a little too crowded.

I didn't expect anyone to enjoy my blog but to those of you who did, I just want to thank you for inspiring me.
 I want to thank all of creative writing for showing a little piece of who you truly are. We don't see that often around here.
 So here is to Paris, for being there when I needed you, for letting us visit. I hope we can visit soon,

see you around.

I remember this house

I remember this house
with perfectly symmetrical windows and sign out front that said "Best yard of the month."

There was this house
It had walls too big to fill with picture frames and an entry way that saw too many goodbyes.

There was this house
my room was pink and filled with empty promises, the room next to me was blue.
There is a room downstairs filled with nothing but a fireplace thats never been lit, but I can feel the heat.

There was this house
with a sign out front that says "for sale" but gives no detail about why that left window is a little crooked.

There was this house
it gave off the vibe of everything is perfect but there is a sign out front that says "just wait until you see inside"

There was this house
and there were 2,190 days worth of words that bounce off the walls, an everyday reminder of the crack that went right down the middle.



I remember this house
and it feels like home.

Dearest sol,

Not a blackout

this is a poem Lauren Wright (Mabel Q)  and I wrote together, the bold is what we say together. If you have any feedback, ideas for a title or really anything that would add to this poem, please feel free to comment. 

(M)I had to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from smiling, because I didn’t want you to ask why. you see, it was you and the car and the music and the way it felt like nothing ever changed. 

It scared me 

(L) Things changed when the weather did. You and the sky seemed to have too much in common, and i was the sun 92 million miles away. 

(M) we sat in your car and looked through your sunroof and you said you felt like home looking at the sky because it reminded you of my eyes 

I respected you

(L) when you told me it just wasnt the right time and you were sorry and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. 

My cheeks are bleeding 

(M) We layed in the back seat of your car and that was the first time i made it to the back seat without giving away my breathe to someone else. 

(L) you left and you took my breath with you and I can't breathe 

because I couldn't seem to catch myself before I fell 

(M) but you caught me when i stumbled over the way you said 

"I love you"

(L) burned in the back of my throat because it left the same day you did 

(M) but the clouds started to cover the stars and you 

didn't look at me the way you used too 

(L) when the weather got colder you came back for warmth because you saw your breath and you remember the time you took mine away 

it's getting colder 

(M) The days are getting shorter and the clouds seem to stick around long enough for you to forget where home is 

(L) you used to give me your hands to hold but they were too cold and I couldn't hold on so this time you gave me your heart 

(M) I fell every time you told me you loved me but the last time

It was different 

(L) in the way you said "I love you" I couldn't hear the regret rolling off your tongue 

(M)I see the way you look at her and I heard you say that you saw galaxies in her eyes 

you looked at me 

(L) and you told me I reminded you of the sun because I never left 

you looked at me 

(M) and I couldn't look you in the eyes so I knew 

this time it was different 

(L) it was real

(M) it was over 

I love you

Thank you

I get nervous to introduce myself to people. 

Not because I'm scared of them, but because most people don't understand what I'm saying. 

To those who know me, thank you.

Ive never been good at pronouncing my name, but I never hesitate to say it.  

To those who know my name, thank you. 

Ive never been creative but I've always had a lot to say.

  To those who listened, thank you. 

I get scared to share my poems in front of the class, but sometimes I do it anyways.

To those who enjoyed my poems, thank you.

I'm always late to class, there is just something about crowded hallways that makes me uneasy. 

To Nelson, thanks for never marking me absent.

Ive never been to paris, but Ive seen bravery in its citizens.

To those who wrote from their heart, thank you. 

I always get more confidence on my writing when someone comments.

To those who commented, thank you.

To those who even glanced at my blog, thank you.

I hope you will return. 

xoxo, 

Malia Helbling

It tore us apart

Music brought us together.
"Look at this new song I found," became this the way I feel about you.
Ever day I searched for a song that strung together my feelings for you, but nothing ever seemed to have the right idea.
 It was either too fast or too slow, or didn't have enough feeling.
You know when you listen to a song and you get that feeling in your fingertips, that is what you did to me, that is what you do to me.
Im confused because you haven't shown me any new songs recently, and you seem to avoid the ones about love.
I get it though you always told me that love songs made your fingertips go numb.
I went to a concert and all I could think about was what you would think of these songs.
You stopped listening to the songs I told you I liked.
Music brought us together, and it is what tore us apart.

My heart beats for us

The human heart pumps blood 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
It pumps to every finger, every toe,  & even to my nose, but when I met you it stopped.
It stopped beating for me.
2,000 gallons of blood dumped onto your front door that day, and I'm sorry I just couldn't keep it in any longer.
my heart beats for us
42 million times my heart  beat for us that year.
Im pretty sure that number isn't accurate because every time your gaze met mine, my heart stopped.
my heart beats for us
I would gladly walk 60,000 miles of your blood stained veins if it meant it would bring me to your heart.
I know what my heart feels like, I know how you make my heart feel.
But your heart and my heart are seperated by rib cages so hardened and closed off by other peoples decisions.
my heart beats for us.
& it will continue to beat for you & for me.

surprise

He told me he missed me & I was surprised.
Every I can't, I'm busy,  plastered the walls of my mind with the picture of her in the back round.
You told me you missed me & with everything I could muster I said, " You're just too late."
But every first touch, first kiss, first I'm sorry clogged my brain, and by my surprise my  lips muttered, "I miss you too."
It wasn't I miss you, I love you, come back.
It was I miss you, I love you, maybe another lifetime.
I thought of every what if possibility, but no amount of thinking could sort out our heartstrings tethered & knotted together by so many different tragedies it makes my head spin.
You still look at me & the knots gets tighter, cause I'm lost in our lifetime.

How to be human

• Mess up. 

• Change your mind, just to change is back. 

• Miss the boy you shouldn't. 

• Fall in love. 

• Get mad at the people you love. 

• Apologize. always. 

• Be pissed at the world for at least a day, for no particular reason. 

• Hate your parents, or one of them. 

• Feel useless. 

• Feel alive. 

• Make friends. 

• Let go of some people in your life. 

• Learn to stand up for yourself. 

• Learn to pay taxes. 

• Get married. 

• Get into an argument with your friends about "politics."

• Don't dress up for Halloween. 

• Be insecure.

• Be confident. 

• Have a fascination with the sky. 

• Don't let people label you. 

• Don't label people. 

• Know when to leave. 

• Admit to being human. 

• Be heartbroken. 

• Fall in love again. 

• Still miss him. 

High school fears

 NO CREDIT is our biggest nightmare when the end of term roles around, because we miss way too much class.  Afraid of 50% on a test that means nothing but everything, cause for some reason a letter grade tells you more about someone than they can. 

A conversation with a boy who makes your palms sweat over the weather. 

Don't even get me started on someone catching you without that smile on your face. 

Irrational fears that won't matter at the end of the year, but hey it was all just high school. 

But for some high school was their whole life, and I think that's my biggest fear. 

Not hearing from your friend for a while and finding out through social media it's going to be a little longer until we see them again. 

I fear of a another grim day of walking down these hallways plastered with a reminder of how people feel about you. 

I don't fear death, I fear death that comes a little too soon. 

ps. I personally think we aren't ready to fear these things.